What Will You Give Back?

I used to go on long walks looking for a sign — a sign from God.

I am a first generation American.

Everyone before me was a Mexican.

Most of my ancestors were probably laborers, working in the fields, tending to other people’s gardens.

In other words, my parents and grandparents and great grandparents all grew up in poverty.

So, it was only natural that I grew up working class.

My parents left Mexico so my brothers and I could experience “a better life”.

I’m guessing they wanted us to live the American dream?

One thing I’ve realized is that: growing up in the United States is significantly different from growing up in Mexico.

I’ve never been to Mexico so this is just from my perspective.

And, when your parents are from a different country, it’s difficult to relate to them, and they have trouble relating to you.

At one point I even had an identity crisis because I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I felt like a fish out of water.

I yearned to belong somewhere.

Of course when I tried to explain this to my parents, they didn’t understand the big picture.

My parents usually belittle me: they treat me like a little kid or a big baby.

There are many times when they don’t take me very seriously.

For example:

My father doesn’t believe in my dream of owning a multi-million dollar organization,

And my mother refuses to believe that her son has bipolar disorder.

Growing up is difficult:

I know that I am only twenty years old, but when I ask myself these types of moralistic questions, I feel like I’m an old man.

Life has a way of throwing obstacles and challenges at you.

What’s funny is that you create your own difficulties.

I don’t believe that there is a point to life.

I believe that you have to create meaning.

You won’t be remembered by who you are.

You’ll be remembered by what you gave back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful Breakdowns

Today I had another nervous breakdown. 

I’m still learning to control my emotions. 

We live in a big, big world.

I know that there’s other people who suffer…

My mom and dad and brothers and cousins are still learning to get used to me.

Every now and then, I feel like a caged animal.

I even felt like people were afraid of me…

It’s strange because I’m the oldest…

You would expect me to not react the way I do…

I’m supposed to set an example…

And yet, in the past, I’ve had fits of rage, panic attacks, delusions etc.

And then, I feel so lonely, so very helpless.

I felt that the only one who understands me is me.

That is true though.

In life, you’re your own psychologist because psychologists can’t access the deepest parts of your mind.

Only you can. That’s what makes you special.

Faith & Bipolar Disorder

In my family, I am the eldest of three…

I don’t have any sisters and the majority of my cousins live in Mexico.

And, I have never met any of my grandparents in person. 

I try my best to uplift the dying spirits of anyone who goes through emotional turmoil; moments of frustration and isolation. 

Many fail to realize that: the holiday season can also be seen as suicide season, especially for people who have given up faith on life.

To me, Christmas time isn’t about recieving gifts, or respecting holiday traditions, or even spending time with family. It’s about faith; faith in humanity.

I can only imagine what a homeless man or woman must be going through during the winter time. I believe that most people end up homeless because of a mental illness.

I can somewhat relate to a mentally ill person because I have to take medication to deal with bipolar disorder. I think it scares people when you tell them that you have a mental illness. 

The media plays a big role in how people perceive mental illnesses.

My parents are Mexican citizens. They grew up in Mexico. What they know about mental illnesses is based off of what they watch(ed) on the news, what their parents told them, and what my physician told them. 

I can’t completely change the way my parent think; if they don’t care about bipolar disorder, that’s their problem not mine. 

But, I believe that all humans have to carry a cross in life. 

I used to contemplate about committing suicide because I viewed it as an escape from this world.

I know for a fact that there are other people who feel the same.

I have not yet committed the act of suicide because: I have faith that someday, I will leave this world knowing that I helped change a person’s life. It doesn’t matter if I created positive or negative change. It doesn’t matter if that person hated me or loved me. 

I was once a sad, confused, and lost, little teenage boy. I didn’t understand why I was diagnosed with a mental illness, why I had to endure 24/7 sleepless nights, and why I had to be the oldest in the family. 

Being a teenager sucks sometimes:

I feel for people that are recovering or dealing with: addictions, suicidal thoughts or tendencies, eating disorders, mental illnesses, loneliness, and beauty insecurities. Suffering is a part of being human. Even Jesus Christ had to suffer when he died on the cross.

Humans can adapt though. Our immune systems are strong. With patience and tolerance, we can better ourselves even in the worst of times. 

Try To Believe

Life can seem so unfair to so many hard-working adults.

Here’s a scenario: You get up in the morning, work your nine-to-five job, maybe take care of your kids if you’re a stay-at-home parent.

And then, (if you’re like me) you think: “is this all there really is?”

Every day, we wake up to whatever reality we have created for ourselves.

I believe that: in the beginning of our lives, we have little to no control over our own reality. Our parents and/or guardians have to help us until we reach the age where we are capable of thinking for ourselves.

I grew up in a working-class background. My Dad has an elementary school education, and my mom is a high-school dropout. Sometimes, I feel life is unfair because my parents didn’t have the opportunity to attend a community college or university.

 

Maybe that’s why I had trouble graduating from high school?

I used to feel intimidated by other kids whose parents had a high school education and/or college degrees. My parents are good people, but it’s difficult for me to express my enthusiasm for education when they don’t have much of an education themselves.

I watch my father spend much of his free-time watching television.

There are so many better things to do besides watch T.V.!

It’s like my dad isn’t aware of how short life really is. And, my mom does nothing but house chores. She often complains that she doesn’t have enough free time to go outside, learn to drive, get a job.

But, like I said, she creates her own reality.

So then, I think to myself:

“Is it up to me to change things around? Am I to lead a greater life than my father, to be (metaphorically speaking) a King?”

It’s a big change.

For someone to “jump” from a low social class to the highest social class.

Many people just like me have been shunned for wanting to believe in something, unorthodox. I don’t even care about money. I just want it so I can provide!

  * In real-life, these two houses would never be in the same neighborhood.

I don’t care about the situation that you’re in.

Have faith in the universe, for it always has faith in you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Work On Your Own Terms

Control. I aim to have full control over my life. 

In my mind, I have so many thoughts constantly popping up every now and then. I think about girls, cars, big houses, vacations to tropical islands & a successful career.

Ever since I was eighteen years old, I had this dream of living the upper class lifestyle. Being rich, in my opinion, isn’t about having bragging rights. I like being rich because of the security benefits. Let me explain:

In movies and television shows aimed for a teenage audience, there’s usually that one geeky or nerdy wallflower guy or girl that comes off as shy and insecure. That was me three years ago. I was seventeen, a senior in a public high school. I wasn’t the best dressed or the most “popular” kid at school. I didn’t play any sports, and I certainly never went to any school dances, including prom…

Now, to clarify any preconceived opinions or notions, I don’t exactly know what it feels like to have a smooth transition between middle school and college. Many teens had a great time in high school. They could easily provide strong, concrete, reasonable evidence that proves that high school is not that bad.

We live in a big world. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. God Bless America

I’m the oldest of three. I’m supposed to be the one to set an example. But, what happens when the oldest rebels against the K-12 education system? Failure. That’s what happens.

Like a fallen angel, I fell down, down into an abysmal pit of nothingness. I was overweight and lonely. I hated life, and I wanted to kill myself.

Why do kids go through things like this? Can’t the world just be perfect?

I was expecting to feel relieved from the traumatic stress induced by the social pressure of being a high school student. Nothing changed. I remember feeling that I was stupid,  and for that reason, I didn’t finish high school.

I got over it because, well, I’m a bad ass…

Eventually, I realized that I’m not stupid for leaving high school on such a short notice. I graduated on my own terms. I earned my high school diploma on my own terms. My high school story will be forever ingrained in the hearts of the teachers, students, peers who I came across throughout the years that I attended high school.

I am writing this to inform and maybe inspire anyone who has ever felt like the life decisions they made were morally wrong because everyone else told them so. I defied the public high school system, and I feel happier. So walk your own path. If you have to rebel, do it. If your parents aren’t happy with what you’re doing, prove them wrong. In the end, none of these conflicts will matter. Make the most of what you have. Stay strong young king or queen. Money is my solution. Find yours.

 

 

A Changed Life

There is one basic thing that I could say I have been struggling with: the will power to make the decisions that you feel (deep down inside) are right. I’m sure that we have all experienced moments in our lives where we knew what we were supposed to do, but we didn’t act on our thoughts because we were embarrassed or afraid of the reactions of other people.

 

 

At least, that’s how I felt

As a child; I learned so many habits through television. Some of them were healthy. Some of them were unhealthy. I wish I had a role model in my life when I was a kid: an older brother or sister who could guide me, explain the concepts of making friends, going to birthday parties, sleepovers… so many things that I missed out on as a child.

 

 

There are other people in this world who have experienced more loneliness than I have, especially as a child. The media does have an effect on how we learn to socialize. I grew up in the western world. At times, I like to ask myself: “What is life like for teenagers and young adults living in the eastern world?” “What would happen if we joined forces?”

 

Life only gets really difficult if you believe it is so. You don’t always know what to expect from life. I think that’s exciting, and I don’t mind if my thoughts are irrational every now and then. (I’m glad that I’m taking medication so I don’t act out on the violent thoughts.) I continue to live because I can. God, our creator, brought us into this world with a purpose. If you don’t feel happy with your life right now, then, you have all the more worthwhile to experience great joy when you get the opportunity to feel the change in your life!

 

 

 

Power with Humility

The bureaucracy of a higher education: I have so much to say, yet words aren’t enough to express my emotions. I had an unsettling period in my life as a freshman in high school. I was the first one in my Mexican family to attend a public high school, and I was also suffering from symptoms of bipolar disorder. In my mind, no one seemed to care about my mental health issues. Growing up is as hard as it is. You don’t get to choose your parents, you don’t get to choose if you grow up lower, middle, or upper class, and, you don’t get to choose your siblings.

 

In movies, cartoons, video games, life can be seen as a utopia, a heaven on earth! But, in the real world, we’re subject to racism, climate change, social media, peer pressures. I wish there didn’t have to be any conflict in the world. I wish the world could be a peaceful paradise.

The winter is coming along, and I’m having those moments of anger, those moments of stress. I felt like giving up many times before. Those are just my insecurities talking. I don’t hate my life; I’m just struggling to understand it. The struggle is real for many teenagers and young adults. I for one believe that it’s more difficult to be a teenager than it is to be a mature adult. Forget about the term mid-life crisis, some teens are already going through something similar.

Eventually things will work out… sometimes a little bit of conflict can be a good thing. Depression can be seen as motivation to improve your life. Whatever happens, be determined and show them how it’s done.

 

 

Whatever Your Reasons

People go through emotional ups and downs every day. Life can’t be “perfect” at all times, in my opinion. I once read a self-help book that explained a theory about life being categorized into four seasons:

(Note: these are just my interpretations not the author’s.)

Spring: A time for change and new life. Flowers blossom in the spring. But, during this time there can also be lots of rain. Rain diminishes sunlight, and it can create emotions of darkness and despair. But, plants need water to survive just like humans sometimes need unfortunate events to grow in compassion.

Summer: Happiness and Beaches. The sun is at its peak during the summer. The nights are shorter, and the days are longer. Lots of parties happen during the summer. Summer can mean fun. But, too much fun can also be a bad thing. Balance is key.

Fall: Autumn is the transitional phase from brightness to darkness. (It also happens to be my favorite time of the year.) Thanksgiving is in the fall. Fall is for remembering all the good times you had. It’s a time to reminisce and be grateful that you are alive.

Winter: Bears hibernate during the winter. Things start to slow down. Many believe that the winter can be depressing and dreary. But, winter can also be seen as a place for a magical winter wonderland!

 

Everything in life happens for a reason. In the end, all of our troubles and worries won’t matter. We just have to keep on living, and some day, when we’re old, we will be able to connect the dots.

New Beginnings

We are living in a time of 24/7 connectivity, a time where many people own smartphones, tablets, gaming systems, and virtual reality headsets. Online Dating is at an upward trend; (there is literally a myriad of online dating apps available on Google Play and The App Store). Photos have become digital. And, thanks to our technological advances, all of our memories can easily be saved on a flash drive.

Memories of our lives, of our deeds, and of our works will continue in others. You don’t need a flash drive to save them.

I live my life the way I choose to live it just as you do the same. If I were to die today, I don’t think I would be too happy with the legacy I leave behind.

In other words, I believe that most of us live our lives by what the media, our teachers, our parents, and/or our friends and neighbors have taught us. There are many people who may influence what we do in our lives. I guess what I am trying to say is this: we are going to change, just like our world is changing.

People will usually reach a point in their lives where they become comfortable with what they have and who they are. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable, but I truly believe that our creator wants us to make a small change every day of our lives. Remember, we won’t be living on this earth forever…

 

 

 

 

 

Live and Love

In life, you are given advantages and disadvantages, weaknesses and strengths, gifts and curses. The point is: everyone is talented at something (whether or not you get recognition for that talent doesn’t matter.) I believe that we all have some kind of energy to offer to the world, even if we haven’t learned to control it yet. By energy, I mean that by existing, we create a puzzle piece in the giant tapestry of life. Remember, you can’t finish a puzzle without the last puzzle piece.

We all matter in this world. Your spirit cannot die out! In fact, I believe that we all have spirit guides that help us along our life journey. From the moment we are born, we are given a soul, and a guardian angel/spirit guide to accompany that soul.

Our spirit guides and guardian angels have one goal: to help steer us towards the right direction, the path that leads to God. We can’t see them, but we can feel them. They are always there for us, but we will often ignore them.

The path you walk is simple. It’s the fear of not knowing the future along with not forgiving past mistakes that make your progress difficult. A quiet mind can see the signs of the future and the truth of the past. Walk your path with silence.

When life becomes challenging, that’s your spirit guide’s way of telling you something is wrong, and you must change. The more you resist, the more you push, the more walls and barriers they will place. It doesn’t even matter if you’re an atheist; they will still be there to help you because God loves all his children.