What Will You Give Back?

I used to go on long walks looking for a sign — a sign from God.

I am a first generation American.

Everyone before me was a Mexican.

Most of my ancestors were probably laborers, working in the fields, tending to other people’s gardens.

In other words, my parents and grandparents and great grandparents all grew up in poverty.

So, it was only natural that I grew up working class.

My parents left Mexico so my brothers and I could experience “a better life”.

I’m guessing they wanted us to live the American dream?

One thing I’ve realized is that: growing up in the United States is significantly different from growing up in Mexico.

I’ve never been to Mexico so this is just from my perspective.

And, when your parents are from a different country, it’s difficult to relate to them, and they have trouble relating to you.

At one point I even had an identity crisis because I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I felt like a fish out of water.

I yearned to belong somewhere.

Of course when I tried to explain this to my parents, they didn’t understand the big picture.

My parents usually belittle me: they treat me like a little kid or a big baby.

There are many times when they don’t take me very seriously.

For example:

My father doesn’t believe in my dream of owning a multi-million dollar organization,

And my mother refuses to believe that her son has bipolar disorder.

Growing up is difficult:

I know that I am only twenty years old, but when I ask myself these types of moralistic questions, I feel like I’m an old man.

Life has a way of throwing obstacles and challenges at you.

What’s funny is that you create your own difficulties.

I don’t believe that there is a point to life.

I believe that you have to create meaning.

You won’t be remembered by who you are.

You’ll be remembered by what you gave back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful Breakdowns

Today I had another nervous breakdown. 

I’m still learning to control my emotions. 

We live in a big, big world.

I know that there’s other people who suffer…

My mom and dad and brothers and cousins are still learning to get used to me.

Every now and then, I feel like a caged animal.

I even felt like people were afraid of me…

It’s strange because I’m the oldest…

You would expect me to not react the way I do…

I’m supposed to set an example…

And yet, in the past, I’ve had fits of rage, panic attacks, delusions etc.

And then, I feel so lonely, so very helpless.

I felt that the only one who understands me is me.

That is true though.

In life, you’re your own psychologist because psychologists can’t access the deepest parts of your mind.

Only you can. That’s what makes you special.

Faith & Bipolar Disorder

In my family, I am the eldest of three…

I don’t have any sisters and the majority of my cousins live in Mexico.

And, I have never met any of my grandparents in person. 

I try my best to uplift the dying spirits of anyone who goes through emotional turmoil; moments of frustration and isolation. 

Many fail to realize that: the holiday season can also be seen as suicide season, especially for people who have given up faith on life.

To me, Christmas time isn’t about recieving gifts, or respecting holiday traditions, or even spending time with family. It’s about faith; faith in humanity.

I can only imagine what a homeless man or woman must be going through during the winter time. I believe that most people end up homeless because of a mental illness.

I can somewhat relate to a mentally ill person because I have to take medication to deal with bipolar disorder. I think it scares people when you tell them that you have a mental illness. 

The media plays a big role in how people perceive mental illnesses.

My parents are Mexican citizens. They grew up in Mexico. What they know about mental illnesses is based off of what they watch(ed) on the news, what their parents told them, and what my physician told them. 

I can’t completely change the way my parent think; if they don’t care about bipolar disorder, that’s their problem not mine. 

But, I believe that all humans have to carry a cross in life. 

I used to contemplate about committing suicide because I viewed it as an escape from this world.

I know for a fact that there are other people who feel the same.

I have not yet committed the act of suicide because: I have faith that someday, I will leave this world knowing that I helped change a person’s life. It doesn’t matter if I created positive or negative change. It doesn’t matter if that person hated me or loved me. 

I was once a sad, confused, and lost, little teenage boy. I didn’t understand why I was diagnosed with a mental illness, why I had to endure 24/7 sleepless nights, and why I had to be the oldest in the family. 

Being a teenager sucks sometimes:

I feel for people that are recovering or dealing with: addictions, suicidal thoughts or tendencies, eating disorders, mental illnesses, loneliness, and beauty insecurities. Suffering is a part of being human. Even Jesus Christ had to suffer when he died on the cross.

Humans can adapt though. Our immune systems are strong. With patience and tolerance, we can better ourselves even in the worst of times. 

Try To Believe

Life can seem so unfair to so many hard-working adults.

Here’s a scenario: You get up in the morning, work your nine-to-five job, maybe take care of your kids if you’re a stay-at-home parent.

And then, (if you’re like me) you think: “is this all there really is?”

Every day, we wake up to whatever reality we have created for ourselves.

I believe that: in the beginning of our lives, we have little to no control over our own reality. Our parents and/or guardians have to help us until we reach the age where we are capable of thinking for ourselves.

I grew up in a working-class background. My Dad has an elementary school education, and my mom is a high-school dropout. Sometimes, I feel life is unfair because my parents didn’t have the opportunity to attend a community college or university.

 

Maybe that’s why I had trouble graduating from high school?

I used to feel intimidated by other kids whose parents had a high school education and/or college degrees. My parents are good people, but it’s difficult for me to express my enthusiasm for education when they don’t have much of an education themselves.

I watch my father spend much of his free-time watching television.

There are so many better things to do besides watch T.V.!

It’s like my dad isn’t aware of how short life really is. And, my mom does nothing but house chores. She often complains that she doesn’t have enough free time to go outside, learn to drive, get a job.

But, like I said, she creates her own reality.

So then, I think to myself:

“Is it up to me to change things around? Am I to lead a greater life than my father, to be (metaphorically speaking) a King?”

It’s a big change.

For someone to “jump” from a low social class to the highest social class.

Many people just like me have been shunned for wanting to believe in something, unorthodox. I don’t even care about money. I just want it so I can provide!

  * In real-life, these two houses would never be in the same neighborhood.

I don’t care about the situation that you’re in.

Have faith in the universe, for it always has faith in you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Work On Your Own Terms

Control. I aim to have full control over my life. 

In my mind, I have so many thoughts constantly popping up every now and then. I think about girls, cars, big houses, vacations to tropical islands & a successful career.

Ever since I was eighteen years old, I had this dream of living the upper class lifestyle. Being rich, in my opinion, isn’t about having bragging rights. I like being rich because of the security benefits. Let me explain:

In movies and television shows aimed for a teenage audience, there’s usually that one geeky or nerdy wallflower guy or girl that comes off as shy and insecure. That was me three years ago. I was seventeen, a senior in a public high school. I wasn’t the best dressed or the most “popular” kid at school. I didn’t play any sports, and I certainly never went to any school dances, including prom…

Now, to clarify any preconceived opinions or notions, I don’t exactly know what it feels like to have a smooth transition between middle school and college. Many teens had a great time in high school. They could easily provide strong, concrete, reasonable evidence that proves that high school is not that bad.

We live in a big world. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. God Bless America

I’m the oldest of three. I’m supposed to be the one to set an example. But, what happens when the oldest rebels against the K-12 education system? Failure. That’s what happens.

Like a fallen angel, I fell down, down into an abysmal pit of nothingness. I was overweight and lonely. I hated life, and I wanted to kill myself.

Why do kids go through things like this? Can’t the world just be perfect?

I was expecting to feel relieved from the traumatic stress induced by the social pressure of being a high school student. Nothing changed. I remember feeling that I was stupid,  and for that reason, I didn’t finish high school.

I got over it because, well, I’m a bad ass…

Eventually, I realized that I’m not stupid for leaving high school on such a short notice. I graduated on my own terms. I earned my high school diploma on my own terms. My high school story will be forever ingrained in the hearts of the teachers, students, peers who I came across throughout the years that I attended high school.

I am writing this to inform and maybe inspire anyone who has ever felt like the life decisions they made were morally wrong because everyone else told them so. I defied the public high school system, and I feel happier. So walk your own path. If you have to rebel, do it. If your parents aren’t happy with what you’re doing, prove them wrong. In the end, none of these conflicts will matter. Make the most of what you have. Stay strong young king or queen. Money is my solution. Find yours.

 

 

A Changed Life

There is one basic thing that I could say I have been struggling with: the will power to make the decisions that you feel (deep down inside) are right. I’m sure that we have all experienced moments in our lives where we knew what we were supposed to do, but we didn’t act on our thoughts because we were embarrassed or afraid of the reactions of other people.

 

 

At least, that’s how I felt

As a child; I learned so many habits through television. Some of them were healthy. Some of them were unhealthy. I wish I had a role model in my life when I was a kid: an older brother or sister who could guide me, explain the concepts of making friends, going to birthday parties, sleepovers… so many things that I missed out on as a child.

 

 

There are other people in this world who have experienced more loneliness than I have, especially as a child. The media does have an effect on how we learn to socialize. I grew up in the western world. At times, I like to ask myself: “What is life like for teenagers and young adults living in the eastern world?” “What would happen if we joined forces?”

 

Life only gets really difficult if you believe it is so. You don’t always know what to expect from life. I think that’s exciting, and I don’t mind if my thoughts are irrational every now and then. (I’m glad that I’m taking medication so I don’t act out on the violent thoughts.) I continue to live because I can. God, our creator, brought us into this world with a purpose. If you don’t feel happy with your life right now, then, you have all the more worthwhile to experience great joy when you get the opportunity to feel the change in your life!